My Life. My Choice.

When faced with a diagnosis, one never really knows what they will do or how they will handle it. I never thought of it. I live a fairly healthy lifestyle. I avoid caffeine, alcohol, not much of a fan of sweets, rarely eat fast foods or take out. I take fitness classes alternating Pilates, spin/cycle and running throughout the week with Sunday as my rest day.

I had a pain in my side, it was beginning to concern me as it was not going away. At first I thought that it may have been caused by something I picked up, or pulled a muscle or some other reason. I decided that I would go and get checked, my doctor assumed by the description of my symptoms that I may have kidney stones. He referred me to a urologist who scheduled me for an ultrasound.

The pain was still there but it was not unbearable, just uncomfortable. I guess I was getting used to it. I had the ultrasound and was told that the doctor will call me with the results to schedule the surgery. I left feeling relieved. I looked forward to having the stones removed.

It was about five days later when the doctor’s office called and told me that I needed to come in for a follow up visit. I thought nothing of it as I just believed that it was to schedule the surgery to remove the kidney stones or at least discuss the options. I knew something was wrong when the doctor came in the room, she was different, she was not smiling, she sat down and signed on the computer while greeting me and asking me how I was doing – at the same time scrolling on the screen. Finally, she looked up at me, sighed and told me that I have kidney cancer.

Surprisingly, I just listened as she told me that I will have to have surgery to remove the cancer. It was a small mass and she said we can monitor it over time and as long as the mass is not growing, we can keep an eye on it. She also mentioned the ablation procedure which is less invasive and will have minimal to no side effects or we can remove the mass and try to preserve the kidney. She wanted me to think about it.

When I left the office, I sat in the car and just stared blankly not focusing on anything in particular. I think it was about 45 minutes before I started the car to leave the parking lot. I don’t even know how I made it home. I opened the door to my apartment, placed the keys on the table, went directly to my bed and fell asleep.

I woke up in the middle of the night and noticed that I had missed several calls. I went back to bed and laid there in the dark, quiet room alone. I thought about my day and how it all changed around 1:45 pm and it will never be the same again.

The next morning, I called my mother and left a message. She called me back and said that she was coming over for breakfast. She had no idea and was just excited to come over to my apartment, it has only been a year since I moved out after graduating college and started my first professional job. I knew that it would be very hard to tell my mother the news.

My mother and I had breakfast and after we finished, I told her that I was diagnosed with kidney cancer. She looked at me with her mouth wide open and a loud indescribable shriek came out. It was at that point that I hugged her and began to cry. It was the first time that I cried and I cried because she was crying. I wanted to be brave, but I broke down. After we were all cried out, it was as though we knew that it was time to figure out the next step. I shared the options with my mother and she recommended that I get a second opinion and then she would allow me to make the best decision for my treatment.

My mother said “Kim, I am here for you. Whatever you decide, it’s your choice. At that moment, I had another overwhelming feeling of fear. I had no idea what is best for me. I did not want to have the surgery so perhaps I should wait and see. Let’s monitor it. Then again, I should probably go with the ablation as it is less invasive with a quicker recovery time with little to no side effects (but what it was not all removed?). Maybe, I should just go for the full on removal option, I still have another kidney that works and once it’s gone I can get back to living my life. But why did I have cancer in my kidney? If I take it away, will it return for my other kidney? Whatever happens in the end, it is my life, my choice.