Category: Cancer Journey

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The Day That Changed My Life – Cancer & Marriage

Photo by Juan Pablo Arenas

Pamela and Mark’s journey

We have been married for eight years with three kids. This was my first marriage and Marks second marriage. Mark was diagnosed with prostate cancer. It was a hell of a time.  Mark was scared but instead of talking about it he withdrew. There was often tension in the house. I took Mark to all of his appointments, he hardly spoke a word. I made sure that he had everything he wanted and still he never even said thanks. Mark became very cranky; the gentle soft spoken man that I had fallen in love with had become impatient especially with the kids.  It felt as though he resented us being there and I knew I had to do something about it. It was not easy, as a matter of fact; I almost did not go through with it. One night when Mark was in his office, I went in and told him that we needed to talk. I told him that he needed to change his attitude especially with the kids. Mark just stared at me and then I had to take it a bit further. I told him that I did not know him anymore; he was not the same thoughtful, kind loving or gentle man. All we wanted to do was be there for him, we all loved him and were happy to be there and do whatever we could for him. I told him that he had become cranky and that he was pushing us away and if he did not change we will go away.  

That night as we were in bed, Mark finally spoke. He told me that he was afraid. He was afraid of losing me, not being able to be there for me or the kids, he was afraid of dying.

Sometimes it’s difficult to express or share how one is feeling. Couples have shared how tough it can be trying to be a part of the process knowing that he or she can never truly feel what their loved one is going through. In some cases, the spouse, lover or partner finds the diagnosis to be too much to handle and they leave. However, there are those who really want to be there through it all. Communication is very important. Find a counselor or a support group.

(An excerpt from the upcoming book The Day That Changed My Life – cancer an uncertain journey)

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Cancer, Depression and Faith

Is it possible to have faith and still be depressed?

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Savannah is struggling with her recent diagnosis, her doubts and the struggle with her faith. She was a church girl who attended church all of her life and has always had her faith in tact. A few weeks ago, Savannah was diagnosed with breast cancer and recently began chemotherapy. She was optimistic as she tapped into her faith believing that she was going through a phase which was just a setback in her health. Interestingly, Savannah was engaged to her longtime boyfriend Karl and was looking forward to planning their wedding. She had her bridal magazines, her pen and her daily planner, along with her iPad to work on during her chemotherapy treatments. She was all prayed up and was encouraged by the survivor stories that she had heard.

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The one thing that she was not prepared for was how awful and weak she would feel after treatment. She heard from other survivors who said that they had treatment during work hours (lunch) and continued to work through their treatment. She knew that she would not be able to work, at least not now. She worried that she would not be able to make it through her treatments. Slowly, the doubts began to build up.

Savannah questioned her faith. She prayed, she had prayer warriors praying for her. She believed in the power of prayer but now she with every treatment, she felt weaker and weaker. Her hair began to fall out in clumps, the texture of her skin changed and she no longer answered her phone or respond to the text messages from her family, friends and coworkers. Although she would check in on her social media accounts, she no longer posted or engaged with others. She broke down and cried while looking at the photos of others having a great time. She became emotionally overwhelmed when she saw some photos of her friend Char’s husband celebrating her birthday. It was an extravagant affair, he surprised her and all of their family and friends were there. Savannah was invited and had planned to attend. She RSVP’d well in advance of her cancer diagnosis. Now, here she was watching life go on without her. She wondered whether she would see another birthday. Would she marry her best friend? Will they be able to have a family?

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Karl was there for her reassuring Julia that they will get married. He wanted her to be his wife as she was the love of his life. He believed that she would be healed. He prayed and trusted in his prayers. He noticed that Savannah was not like herself. She was outgoing, ready to hang out with their friends and now she was often in bed, the curtains drawn, watching movies and checking on her friends by looking at their social media posts. She rarely responded to the friendly check in from her friends on her page even though she read them.

Determined to make Savannah feel better, Karl encouraged her to seek counseling. She reluctantly agreed. She began to question whether going to counseling meant that she was not trusting or believing in God. She wondered if she would be judged for her lack of faith. Savannah knew that she was not feeling like herself but wondered if she got back into her social circles, church and getting out more often – she would begin to feel better. However, Karl convinced her that counseling would be great for her. In fact, he offered to go with her and sit in with her whenever she needed him.

Although the counseling helped, the feeling of failing to have faith lingered. Savannah has completed her treatment and is waiting for the results. She hopes that it will be all clear. She is looking forward to moving forward with her life and marrying her best friend – Karl.