Category: family

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The Guilt of Being A Caregiver to Someone You Should Love

It can be difficult caring for a loved one who is ill – more so when the loved one shows no love

I never thought of myself as a caregiver. I just knew that I had to be there to take care of my mother. She was going through a rough time facing lung cancer, it was rough for the both of us. I am mixed with emotions. My mother and I did not have a good relationship. She was a mean woman who yelled at me as long as I can remember for just about everything. Here I am dropping everything, canceling plans with my friends, spending time with a woman who rarely showed me any love. I’m still not sure that she even loves me. I am taking her to her doctors appointments, helping her to get dressed and undressed, making sure that she has her favorite foods, spending time with her and she is still nasty and mean. She is never satisfied. She is always complaining. She wants a cigarette, I say no and she calls me an evil bitch.

My life is now filled with resentment, I want to walk away. I want to leave her, for her to see what it is like to be alone with no one there to deal with her misery. I resent that my friends try to empathize with her, suggesting that it’s because of her illness. No, it is not. If she was a nice person when I was a kid then I would understand that might be the case, but she’s such a nasty person before lung cancer. 

One night, the phone rang. I noticed that it was my mother calling, I looked at it while it rang. I am trying to decide whether I should answer her call. I am so angry at her for needing me. 

Lia Y

Caregiver

excerpt from upcoming book The Day That Changed My Life – Cancer an uncertain journey

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The Day That Changed My Life – Cancer & Marriage

Photo by Juan Pablo Arenas

Pamela and Mark’s journey

We have been married for eight years with three kids. This was my first marriage and Marks second marriage. Mark was diagnosed with prostate cancer. It was a hell of a time.  Mark was scared but instead of talking about it he withdrew. There was often tension in the house. I took Mark to all of his appointments, he hardly spoke a word. I made sure that he had everything he wanted and still he never even said thanks. Mark became very cranky; the gentle soft spoken man that I had fallen in love with had become impatient especially with the kids.  It felt as though he resented us being there and I knew I had to do something about it. It was not easy, as a matter of fact; I almost did not go through with it. One night when Mark was in his office, I went in and told him that we needed to talk. I told him that he needed to change his attitude especially with the kids. Mark just stared at me and then I had to take it a bit further. I told him that I did not know him anymore; he was not the same thoughtful, kind loving or gentle man. All we wanted to do was be there for him, we all loved him and were happy to be there and do whatever we could for him. I told him that he had become cranky and that he was pushing us away and if he did not change we will go away.  

That night as we were in bed, Mark finally spoke. He told me that he was afraid. He was afraid of losing me, not being able to be there for me or the kids, he was afraid of dying.

Sometimes it’s difficult to express or share how one is feeling. Couples have shared how tough it can be trying to be a part of the process knowing that he or she can never truly feel what their loved one is going through. In some cases, the spouse, lover or partner finds the diagnosis to be too much to handle and they leave. However, there are those who really want to be there through it all. Communication is very important. Find a counselor or a support group.

(An excerpt from the upcoming book The Day That Changed My Life – cancer an uncertain journey)